Kirk & Spock in the Glengarry Real Estate Office
by narom
Summary: What if Kirk and Spock went back in time to that real estate office that sells those Glengarry Glen Ross stuff.


FADE IN:

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, or Kirk or Spock, or Glengarry Glen Ross the movie. (o.k., that's all I'm supposed to put in, right?)

So, Doc. McCoy falls on his hypo, goes bonkers, jumps through that big doughnut time machine-entity, travels to the past, and alters the time line such that the Enterprise vanishes. Kirk and Spock must travel back in time to set things right.

What if, instead of going back to depression era New York, they ended up in some cut-throat real estate office in, say, 1970's Chicago? You know, that office owned by Mitch and Murry where they sell those Glengarry land parcels? How would our two Enterprise officers deal with that? Let's see.

Outside M&M's Real Estate office, the blinking neon sign across the street on "Mike & Duncan's Coffee Shop" reflects in the rain puddles. Kirk and Spock stand outside warily watching the men who enter the office. Spock repeatedly tugs on his goofy knit cap to make sure it covers his pointy ear tips. He is complaining.

"But Captain, I find it hard to believe that Dr. McCoy, in his current state, is capable of employment in any kind of environment; even an illogical capitalist based association of individuals attempting to procure wealth by propounding exaggerated claims about . . ."

"Nevertheless", Kirk interrupts, "we know he's been seen coming in and out of here. And one of these agent people told me a Doc McCoy was their top closer last week. If we can get work here too, we'll find him. Besides, no work, no eat, and I think I'll be pretty damn good at this 'selling' thing."

"Hmmm, indeed," replies Spock. "If McCoy can do it when he is insane, I guess . . . ", he trails off when he sees Kirk watching him narrow-eyed.

Awkwardly standing at a refreshment table at the back of the real estate office Spock watches Shelly shakily pour himself a cup of coffee. Shelly, twitchy, with dark circles under his eyes is obviously strung out.

"You seem to be functioning under a high degree of stress", Spock gently opines. "Have you considered a post-Freudian psychoanalytic examination of your human predicament?" Spock mutters to himself, "All too human".

Shelly laughs nervously. "Oh buddy, I think you're talking about life, aren't you? Hey, do you mind me asking, aren't you hot in that hat?"

Kirk, worriedly watching this exchange, motions Spock to come sit next to him at a desk in the back of the room. At the front, Blake, head honcho, is writing on a blackboard, preparing for his sales "pep" talk to the half dozen agents in the room.

"Be careful", Kirk discreetly leans and whispers to Spock. "We can't get involved in these people's lives. Any change we cause could alter the past, our past."

Spock arches one eyebrow, "I am well aware of that."

Kirk warily scans the room. "Good. And I happen to know that guy you were talking to, Shelly, has a son whose medical problem is easily fixed with an operation well within the medical capabilities of this period."

"But Captain, he can't afford it."

Kirk, surprised he has to correct his first officer, "Spock, did you forget your earth history? Universal health care?"

"No Sir," continues the brilliant Vulcan, "you are mistaken. Universal health care was not introduced in the United States until the presidency of the first African American elected to that office, (odd, his name escapes me) in the early 21st century."

Kirk shrugs and rolls his eyes, like who cares. Suddenly, they see that Blake is staring at them. Blake swaggers toward them. "You ladies want to take your coffee-clutch outside?"

Kirk, puzzled, looks to Spock for an explanation. Spock complies, "Appellations implying an alternative lifestyle were used as semantic tools of derision. Actually, it wasn't until the early 21st century that . . ."

Blake looms over them, his thin lips twisted into a malevolent smirk. "Shut up, you losers!"

Spock remains expressionless, Kirk tries to mollify. "Sir, we're here to learn to be salesmen."

Blake leans close, as though in camaraderie. "You're new, so let me explain how it works. Until you close, you're nothing more than a trained fucking poodle."

"I see", Kirk says.

"Your see nothing, you moron." Black walks back to the front. He is getting back to the rythym of his presentation. "Let me spell it out to everyone of you pansies. This is a contest. First prize is a Cadillac, second prize is a set of steak knives, and third prize is - you're fired". He points at pictures taped to the blackboard of a car and a set of steak knives.

Spock perks up at this. "Those steak knives would be useful in the construction of our time machine," he whispers to Kirk. Spock raises his hand.

Blake looks at him with surprise and disgust. "Put your hand down! Questions are for closers."

"Understood sir," Spock says with his ever calm demeanor. "But, I anticipate that I and Cap . . ., er, Mr. Kirk will, with my superior intellect, and his somewhat effective emotional approach (particularly with human females), achieve considerable success in this rather ritualistic interaction you refer to as 'closing'. I have resolved my ethical dilemma concerning presenting a mosquito infested swamp as suitable for the construction of dwellings by recognizing the moral priority of the integrity of the time line . . ."

"Spock!" Kirk is horrified by Spock's egregious slip.

Spock, a little flustered, hastens to add, "Er, yes, I mean, by my need for a new car."

Blake looks at Spock as though he were a pile of dog poop. "Do you think I care about your needs? You infant!"

Spock, again in his level Vulcan tone, "I am assuming that is not just a mischaracterization of my developmental state, but . . ."

"You're not a man!" Blake shouts.

At that, Kirk rises and leaps over his desk. "You don't know how true that is, but I'll show you what I am!"

Kirk socks Blake in the jaw. Pandemonium breaks out as the two men roll on the floor. Shelly and the other real estate agents feebly try to separate them. Taking advantage of the chaos, Spock slips the steak knives under his coat.

On the sidewalk outside the office a disheveled Kirk motions Spock to a nearby alley. "That didn't go well," Kirk says.

Spock shows Kirk the steak knives. "At least we got these."

Kirk is tired. He sighs, "Let's go find a homeless shelter."

Spock tilts his head, arches his eyebrows, "Captain, might I point out that it was not until the early 21st century that . . ."

"Oh shut up."


End file.
